Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Off-Line (todays font colouring is pastel!)

Sorry folks I'm going off-line in order to help rid myself of this internet adiction. I'm doing it for Lent. For now you guys can look at my friend's blogs. They have some cool thoughts. Especially Ronelle!
But......before I sign off, here are some random thoughts I had this week.

How do atsronauts navigate in space? It would really suck if they ever got lost! Satelites don't travel far enough to track people in space! That is the short and long of that thought.

In my search to not be too Christiany I think I have fallen away from some of the good things I use to practice in my spiritual walk with God. In replacement of my intimacy I find it has become filled with anger.

I have recieved a revelation to my recurring out of wed-lock pregnancy dream. Lisa and I were discussing it together and we think that it has something to do with my tendancy to want to please others and do the right thing. I never want to make the wrong decisions because I don't want to screw up my life. Right now I'm in a place where my choices are going to affect my life in the long term.
I want to find my passion and I can't find it! How do people know what they want to do with their life? How can some people be so sure about things? I'm not sure about anything anymore. I'm not confident about any particual thing. In fact I have more questions than answers. I find myself fearful and that fear has turned itself into apathy. I feel like I'm stuck in a muddy lane way getting ready to merge onto a road and I just keep on spinning my tires rolling forward and then slidding back into the place I just came from. The road is right in front of me and yet I can't get at it! Very frustrating!
Now to figure out the meaning to the dream where my intentions to maime(sp?) someone turn sour when they end up dying instead. Ooops!?!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Confession #2 Just for Valentines Day an Anti Climatic Story

Title: The Sequal to Christian Online Dateing
Song that should be played right now is Starlight by Muse.
Well some of you who have been following my blog for awhile may remember my post on Christian online dateing. Well this is the sequal because I met someone online. Yes I know it seems so silly and foolish. Trust me I struggled with this the whole time it was happening and I still wonder how somthing like this could happen. It started when I got a myspace account because my friend Sarah corused(sp?)/pressured me into getting one ie: you don't have an account? everyoune has one! You have a blog but you don't have a myspace account? Again I thought it was stupid and just a way to see how popular one is. I still think it is but I got sucked into it.
I'll begin by telling you how it happened as some of you know I'm a bit of a snoop. Myspace was a great place for me to snoop around on. Usually the reason I snoop is because I like to know what people like ie: perfume/cologne, food, clothes, personal hygien products, MUSIC, magazines, interest etc. I know I'm a freak but you can learn a lot about a person by finding out what they like. When I first got my profile on myspace I started searching for people I knew. I found a few and then I started looking to see if I knew anyone on their lists. One of my aquaintences(sp?) had a sibling I kinda knew so I started looking at her profile just to see what kind of friends she had. Well she had a friend who intrigude me he had been in the Navy but was now attending Art school. He was pretty good looking;) Plus he liked skate boarding (don't ask me why I like skate boarders I have had a thing for them ever since I was in grade 9) and Pride and Prejudice. What more could a girl ask for masculine yet sensitive. So I added him to my friend list, something I never do to people I do not know. I hesitated at first because I thought I was being silly I started to pray about it but then I just took the plunge and pushed the add to friends button. I didn't think that anything would happen, I thought he would just look at the friend request and think "who is this strange girl? I don't know her?" and then deny my friend request. Instead he added me and commented on my page. I wrote him a note and explained how I didn't usually add people I didn't know. I left him my blog address so that if he wanted to learn more about me he could. Well he actually read my blog and commented on it. We began corresponding and soon I was getting frustrated because I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to know what he sounded like and how he phrased things in real life. I didn't hear from him for a little bit so I timidly messaged him and asked him if he got my last question. He had and had responded with a big long explanation but somehow myspace had lost it. So then I told him I wantd to hear his voice. He responded in the affirmative that he was feeling the exact same way.
We started talking on the phone and I liked him. He seemed really genuine not someone that would try to hide something. He had an innocence about him that I liked even though in the past he had made some poor decisions. If you know me I'm pretty pro Canada! This guy was American and I'm kinda anti military/brain washing. And this guy was both of those things. Yet he seemed to not fit the sterio type I had. Oh man I can remember Dad suggesting I go to singles groups across the boarder and scoffing at him. I can also remember my friend Rob saying that he could see me with a military man and practically choking as I said I would never date someone who was in the military. Then thier is the fact that I thought it was really silly that people met online. I was contradicting a lot of the things I said I didn't want.
Soon I began to want to know more and more about who he was and phone conversations just didn't seem sufficient. I then pressed him to see if he thought we should go a step further and meet. He agreed and so we decided to try for a time when we would get a face to face meeting. We were both busy, him with school and I with work. His e/mails started to become more infrequaint and I began to doubt his interest in me. I let it slide for a little while and then finally after going on a little bit of set-up double date my friends had arranged with a guy I didn't know I realized I had fallen for the online guy. I had fallen for a guy I never met. Not completly because I still did not really know him. I didn't know his mannerism or habits.
Instead of holding onto something that wasn't real for one of us I wrote him and asked him to tell me he wasn't interested anymore. He wrote me back immediatly and gave me a reply I wasn't expecting. He said things like "I'm in a dark place right now" and "you should let me go" "I can't be what I want to be or what I should be" and oh oh oh this killed me "I find in you the very person I would want to share myself with". I didn't know how to respond because it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear, I wanted out right mean rejection! I wrote him back stating my confusion and that I had more questions than answers. I said I needed to erase him from my life and that I would never contact him again but he could do so at the right time. I said some other things but I'm not going to tell you those. So I did erase him, he is gone and yes if fucking hurt!
I'm still a little stunned at what happened? I had a thing for a stranger!?! It was like I had this ghost in my head that was this guy I liked. Like he was alive but not really present. You know when somebody close to you dies and you think you see them in a crowd well I kinda felt like that with him. I would think I would see him riding his bike by my house but it wasn't him. So wierd because I had never even seen him in person before. Such a strange scenario.
I wonder now if we were to pass each other on the street if we would turn our heads to check each other out or if we wouldn't even notice one another. I wonder if he would just end up being one of the guys I hang out with and play board games? You know just a buddy o'l pal type of guy. Or what if I got into a fender bender and the other person in the car was really him and we met that way.
What really gets me is that he read my whole blog! I had always thought it would be so romantic if someone were to fall for me just by reading my blog. Cheesy, I know!
Again I didn't really know him I didn't see his mannerism or habits. Maybe he has nasty breath or this really irritating twitch. I haven't seen how he reacts in different situations or to different people. I keep telling my friend Katie to remind me of these things so that I stay in reality.
Well so ends this time of confessions friends. I'm sure I'll have more but I just needed to confess this to you.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Inside my head (scary!)

When people die do they go to heaven right away? But doesn't God exist outside of time? And if this is true does that mean the world has already ended? People's souls have to go somewhere right? Unless their is a purgatory/waiting area but I kinda think that earth is purgatory. Maybe I have this all wrong and didn't grasp it too well when I took my philosophy class. These were just some of my thoughts today while I was washing the dishes. My brain hurts.

Mens Speedos and Womens G-string bikinis
Guys if you aren't a competa(i?)tive swimming at the time do not wear speedos! They make swim trunks baggy for a reason that way you don't have to worry about.....stuff getting more attention than it should at the wrong time.
Ladies lets keep our body some what of a mystery! Yes bathing suits tend to reveal everything, but lets be honest men would rather have a mystery than an ending being blurtted out. Leave something to the imagination. Lets skip the brazillian bottoms and g-strings and try something more tasteful.

Well those are my thoughts for today.

Friday, February 2, 2007

Confession #1 (a secret revealed)

Title: Why I Started Blogging

I started blogging because of a guy. Two years ago....no three years ago....or so....I met a guy who's aura I was instantly attracted to. Cockiness (or confidence) that dripped off of him, death grip of a hand shake, extremly engaging & personable, arty, comical, skate boarder, former rebel and compassionate youth worker. He was perfect in my eyes.
At first when i thought about writting this blog I wanted to make him anonymous but I don't think I will. His name is Carlo, I was going to call him Mossimo (giggle) but what ever. I met Carlo twice briefly before I was able to actually engage with him. The first time we met was at a camp I use to go to as a teenager, he was the speaker and I came up for a visit. I wasn't too impressed with him at first because I thought he was overly confident and liked to wear costumes for the theme night that revealed his nice physique. His presence quickly captivated me and I asked around about him. I got an introduction but never really had a chance to chit chat.
Then in the Fall I found out he would be at a youth workers conference I was to attend so I made sure that I was able to get an introduction. Shy as I am I did briefly get introduced but again not anything else. He didn't even remember me! I prayed and asked God for more of an opportunity but got more than I bargained when a prank I played involveing coffee and salt ended up being given to him. Oops:)

I then cooked up a plan to go back to my old stompin grounds and be a camp counselor for a week to finally get a good meeting. I missed being at camp so I wanted to go back anyway. I discussed my plan with a married guy friend and he gave me the go ahead. I pursued it but soon learned that Carlo was not going to be up that week. I took it as a sign and decided to go to camp anyway.
During that time I had started volunteering at a youth drop-in centre that was newly started. I decided to call my friend up North to get some advice from him because he has been running a drop-in centre for a few years. He referred me to his co-director......Carlo. So I called Carlo. I was sooo nervous! But I did it! And we talked for two hours! During that time we only spoke about ministry stuff for half an hour. I had never connected with anyone like that in my life! He was everything I though he would be. We ended the phone call with a positive note. He said he wanted to talk to me again so I said that next time he could call me.
Five days later he called again and we had a great conversation. I called him a few days after that and another good dialogue happened. During the course of our conversations he figured out I knew him and I clued him in about our meetings but still no recognition! We e-mailed a bit, he wanted to know what I looked like but I would only send him old photos because at the time I was struggling with some hard core adult acne. I was really struggling with sending him a recent picture. During our conversations we would tell each other stories and talk about different analgies God had been teaching us. One time I told Carlo a story about a hard day at work and he said "you should write a blog" and I responded with "a blog? who would read my blog?". I didn't start one because I thought that blogs were silly. It was also during one of our conversations that he hinted at coming up for a visit to camp.
Well he did. One morning God told me he would be thier that day. I just knew it in my knower. After lunch I saw him from a ways back but he didn't see him. I wanted to see if he would notice me as well. He is one of those flambouyant personalities and I wanted him to come to me. Well..... eventually he did we talked briefly and the whole time I was really self concious about the acne and whether I had salad in my teeth. It was late in the day and he had to leave abruptly to go to court. I asked him to come visit again, he promised to try but said that if he couldn't I should give him a call. He never came and when i called him after camp our phone conversation was not quite as animated as it had been. I tried sending him a couple e/mails but to no avail. In October 05 I started a blog and sent out a forward to everyone on my e/m list (including Carlo) with a link to the blog. I began writing in my blog as if I was writing to him but never mentioning him. Eventually I realized he probably never read the blog and started blogging just for the fun of it.
The End