Dear Love

Where are you?
I've been waitting all my life for you.

Sometimes the best thing you can do to drown out your magnified pms emotions is to play your music really loud.
I'm done with Adrienne's Meanderings, I'm starting a new blog, I'll keep the select few posted as to what the addy will be ie: Kat. I love you Kitty Kat and at this point in my cycle my heart misses you like something fierce!!!!

Where Does the Good Go

I love these girls! Too bad every show that is near me is sold out:(.


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The strange and the beautiful of Tegan and Sara

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Four Years Ago

Hey Blogger you suck, just let me put the damn link.
Sigh here it is the o'l cut and past way.

Nov. 12th 2005

Sea Glass and Other Stuff

If any of you know me very well, you know that I love to collect glass especially depression glass and sea glass. I love the vibrant colours of glass and the way that the light shines on them and through them. So at the beginning of October I went down to the beach a couple of times to tan and collect glass. Their was one particular day that I just kept finding pieces of glass being burped up from the lake onto the shore. Some pieces were smooth from being tossed back and forth on the floor of the lake and a couple pieces still had some jagged edges on them. These jagged pieces needed to be rubbed more and so I threw them back in (Oh man Feist is on [Let it Die] such a good vocalist and song writer) to be made smoother. I asked my mom how long she thought that it took for the glass to be made smooth and she said that some of the pieces could take up to ten years. I think that it probably takes longer. So looking at this glass reminded me of myself and my walk with Christ, I have all these jagged edges that need to be smoothed away and so I get thrown into the sea of life where I am tossed back and forth so that God can form me into what he needs me to be. Sometimes I think that we 'think' we have weathered the seas of life just fine and so we come up for air on shore. Then God sees us in our pride and throws us back in again so we can learn what he needs us to learn. Life is hard but it is during the hard times that we can grow dependant on Him and I would rather life be hard than easy because if life were easy then I would feel like I didn't need Him.
Yes, everything and anything could be made into an analogy and I am sure that sea glass has been used before but it is new for me.
Song for today that has really moved me is Mercy Me's 'Where You Lead Me', I don't usually like mainstream Christian pop/worship music but this song speaks to me about the place that I am in right now. My Aunt forgot this CD at my house last Easter and I started listening to it in the Summer when I felt like I was being spiritually attacked at night.

What is life/ A thousand roads a thousand ways/ And why am I/ So afraid to move/ I crossed the line/ I'm stepping out so come what may/ I'll give it all/ Cause I'm drawn to you / As long as my heart is beating/

Where You lead me, I will follow/ Where You lead me, I'll give my life away/ Where You lead me, I will follow/ Forever and a day

I can't deny/ Your very presence is my life/ And why would I/ Ever turn away/ Cause deep inside/ I know that I can not rely/ On anything/ Less than faith/ As long as my heart is beating/ This is all I'm dreaming of/ To live completely in Your love.

So this is me, this is who I am, Jesus take me and use me!

Currently on the Soundtrack of my Life

You've never heard the fbomb sung so sweetly. Never have I found a song so fitting for a time in my life.


Just found this band and I love em!

Almosts

Gary
Dusty
John
Gary again
Joel
Darren
Karlow
Jordan
Cameron
Tom
Darren again
Karl
Phil
_______.

The Nude Run

Ya, thats right the nude run. The run from the shower to your room before your room-mates or spouse can see you. Everyone does it.

I've been at placement for two days and apparently I'm in the class with the most behavioural challenges. I seriously don't necessarily think that its so much just behavioural but that the kids are sitting down too much, the teacher does a great job of mixing everything up and making things engaging and interesting buuuuut...she takes away recess. Something these little boys really need to have is recess, in order to be active and destress after sitting in desks all day. To tell you the truth I'm bored out of my mind and ready to poke my eye balls out after sitting all day and doing desk work with them.
In my Phys Ed class at Trent my instructor said that she does gym once a day EVERYDAY and has found that her students perform better in class because of that. Now I do agree with this but honestly I dunno.....something else needs to change...just like church really isn't a guy thing (unless your in a leadership position), I don't think that school is either. Can't we do something else for these kids, they need activity, they need sensory, and they need fun!
Oh my goodness, I love the classroom I'm in. The boys are off the wall and I have to keep myself from laughing at them all the time, especially when they are misbehaving because I know exactly what they are thinking and why they are doing it. Today one of the boys was fidgeting so much in his chair that he lost control and fell sideways, it was so funny. I had to keep myself from giving one of my bellowing laughs, he tried to recover but just couldn't.
One of the girls has developed an attatchment to me already, she is the sweetest little girl ever! She wanted my help so badly that she pretended to not understand something when she clearly did.
Me: "Are you sure you need my help?"
A: "Yes"
Me: (knowing smile) "Are you sure you 'need' my help or you 'want' my help?"
A: (sweetest shy little smirk on her face) "Maaaaybe"

Ohhhhh I could just urggghhhh hug her......but I'm not aloud:(.

Self Sabotage

Unrestraint

Compulsive

Strangers

It's done and what can I do? Except slink away into my corner with my tail between my legs.

“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.” ~Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

Good Girl

"I'm a good girl, I am!"
Audrey Hepburn, My Fair Lady

Manscapeing

So I've come to learn that I think I like guys who have some sort of sense of style and who take care of their appearance. Not someone who is looking in the mirror all the time but a guy who takes pride in the presentation of himself.
Their is a boy in a couple of my classes and he's really nice and all but.....he doesn't shave the hair on the nape of his kneck often enough. It really bugs me! I don't hate body hair but I think you need to try and groom yourself a little bit. Guys we know that you notice when we haven't plucked our brows or lips or shaved our legs and other areas. What would make you think that we don't notice when you don't maintain yourself either?
In fact I think that men shouldn't be afraid of doing more to keep themselves more maintained. Like if you have really bushy eye brows pull a few stray ones out so that they don't take up your whole eyes. You don't have to shape them or anything, just thin them out a little. Don't shave them though, we can tell when you shave them, you gotta yank those bad boys out from the roots.
If your going to grow a beard (personally I hate them, this whole hipster throw back to the eighties trend has got to go) make sure you groom it regularly! Beards are okay when they are maintained properly. You may think this is a lot of work but just think of how much time we women take to look pretty, if your going to grow a beard you need to be responsible for it, just like when you get a piercing you have to sterilize it almost every day for the first two months.
Oh and then their are those guys that just don't have a sense of style but really try but it just ends up looking mismatched, nothing against them its just I need someone who can pick out their own clothes without my help, I can give my opinion
but I don't want to dress them like a child.

Something else that has been randomly kicking around in my head is that women and people with enfants should get some sort of tax credit on sanitary products. It isn't like we women intentionally menstruate. Dear Government of Canada do you know how much that puts a dent in our budget every month? Come on hook a woman up Canada.
Okay back to the paper.

Overwhelmed

Right now I feel like my only beauty is my blond hair and the various colours of blond and red that are reflected in it. Their is a scene in "Little Women" where the character Joe cuts off all her hair and sells it so that the family can have some extra money. Her sister exclaims upon seeing it for the first time "your one beauty!" I'm overwhelmed with school, teacher's college is a lot of work, not very complicated but labour intensive, currently I have nineteen hours of school plus four hours of placement. They aren't even going to let us have our reading break off in its entirety, instead they booked a bunch of guest speakers for seminars we have to attend. I can tell you now that my personal hygiene and figure are going to be going down the drain. Bring on the lap-top ass! Plus the stress induced eczema and zits, awesome!

I think Mario Lopez has found the fountain of youth

I swear this guy never ages.

If You Like Quirkey and Eccentric then I'm Your Girl

More boy stories.
Yet again I'm faced with the fact that I have 2.5 men interested in me who are significantly younger than I am and yet again I am not interested in any of them. Damn! Why does this keep happening!!! It seems the guys I like aren't into me and the men who like me I'm not interested in. Awesome, I love it when life kicks you when your down. So frustrating cuz these guys are good and decent, all very sweet, thoughtful, appreciators of art and very giving. I'm just not that into them. What the heck!?!?

ADE

Teacher's College in P-town

As I begin teacher's college I am reminded of my experiences in elementary school. I'm filled with tons of anxiety from the past. Elementary school scarred me, my learning disability caused a lot of damage to me and has continued on into how I even now deal with stress. To begin with I'm a person that needs a lot of encouragement in order to try new things and then to have to go through the pressure of school, it was horrible.
Math class brought up a lot of bad memories for me! Our teacher had us each tell our stories of learning math and I was surprised at how many people had just as bad an experience as me, it was then that my anxiety began to subside.
I dunno though, I'm exhausted and I feel like I'm just going to be running a marathon this whole year....HELP!!!
Plus mom keeps talking about me finding a husband and giving me the purity talk. Awesome, NOT:(. Just because I'm getting my life on track finally doesn't mean I'll have all of my ducks in a row. I've done all the 'right' things in my life and that doesn't garantee a fairy tale ending.

Don't shut me out

I feel awkward, I feel out of place, I feel too quirky.
When will I embrace me, when will people embrace me.

Tansitiontransientonlychildchristianlearningstyleshelteredlifespoileddominantopinionatedjudgementaldaydreamerabsentmindedtoosensitivelovestoohardlovestoolittlewhich one of these things hinders me?

Triple Bs=Best Salad Dressing, B+ Average, Boobies

Currently on an all vegetable diet which consists of a lot of salad, soups, steamed vegetables and zero fermented products.

Best Salad Dressing Ever

Crushed red chillis
Crushed Ginger
Lemon Juice
Braggs Soy Sauce
Coconut Milk

Finished my last year at York with honours which means I have a B+ average. Hurray for working my ass off to be average :) and :(.

Scored a nanny job for the summer with 3.5 yr old twins.
Today I got my boobs blatantly felt up.
"Don't touch those, those are mine"
I-"Are those your boobies?"
J-"Do you like to touch your boobies?" (I avoided this question)
We are learning about sharing right now.
I-"Thats not fair that you get to touch them and we don't"
"Well their mine not yours, when you grow up you'll get your own"
I-"Will they be big?"
"That all depends on the genetics of your parents" (way over their head [I know] but I think they get it kind of.

Dear Billy Bob Thornton

I AM POUTINE!

ADriEnne Broke Up A Fight at Her School

So last Tuesday I was waitting for the bus when a fight broke out.

Its funny because the week before I had been remembering a time when I volunteered at a youth drop-in in Sarn-hole in 06-07 and a fight broke out that I had tried to prevent. At the time I didn't feel like 'I' was the right person to break up the rumblings of the storm because of my gender and stature.

To this day I keep replaying the scene in my head because I was the only person who saw it coming, instead when I said something to my male counterpart to try and calm the situation he was too lazy to get up and break the two boys up.

The one boy was extremly intoxicated and the other just wanted to fight for the sake of venting his pent up anger/rage at the world on someone else. The fight escalated into a terf war between drop-in kids and skate park kids. I remember standing in front of the sober fight instigator and pushing skater boy's girlfriends off of him because they were drunk and want to get a couple shots in on him too. The fight ended with blood and the cops.

One of the girlfriends shoved me hard from behind, the kids from the drop-in were quite upset by this and asked me if I wanted them to kick her ass, I didn't. Still I was touched by their concern for me.

Anyway I was recently thinking about this past incident and how I just should have stood between the two guys despite my stature and gender.

So on Friday lil o'l me was standing at the bus stop, I had seen a group of guys running around with this wild look in their eyes so I knew something was up. Then at one point two boys burst out of doors near her bus stop. One banged on the glass for emphasis then the boy beside him turned and started throwing punches, shortly after four other boys jumped in and started throwing punches. It was five on one. I thought they would just get their punches in and then walk away... but no, it continued. A crowd was gathering, one girl was getting upset but no one was stepping in to intervene.

So I decided to step in and pull a mama bear because no one else was. I started shouting in my firmest commanding voice "STOP IT, GET OFF OF HIM." I tried to weasel my way in and break it up but the punches were flying too fast. Finally two other taller male bystanders pulled them apart. Two guys fled the scene and three stayed to taunt the guy, and try to get in a few more shots. I then stood in the middle of them, the three guys started to circle around to try and get to him, so I stood between him and them. They noticed me and kind of looked at me funny but continued on in their taunts. Finally the wounded guy left, I scolded the two remainders with "you guys are acting like idiots!"

By that time the bus had arrived so I got on. The funny thing is no one would look at me, no one even asked if I was alright, even though I was shaking like a leaf.

When I was interviewing my grandma this week for my Life Writing class about her thoughts on the response of the German people to the Holocaust she said she was ashamed of her elders for not doing anything about it (She is orig from Germany). I told her my story from last week and she was so proud of me. When I told her about the people's lack of concern for me she said it was because they were ashamed that they hadn't stepped in themselves... I'm not sure if she's right...sometimes I think that people are just so desensitized that they like seeing a good fight, its a source of entertainment. I dunno, thats my long story.

Undeliverable Letters (Some things are just better un-said)

Dear Crush,
I pretend I just want to be friends but I would like to have more with you. I didn't think that my infatuation would get this far or that I would even find you attractive. I'm sorry for putting you in this position but I guess I just need a verbal confirmation from you that you are not interested/attracted to me so that I can stop hoping for the none-existent and move on. I've learned to never assume anything and I'm tired of having to remind myself that you don't call me or ask me to do things so that means you just aren't that into me. Please don't try to soften your response to me, I need brutal rejection.

Dear Crush,
I wish I never laid eyes on you and saw your sweetness for what it really was.

Dear Crush,
I hate you for being so great. I don't want to think about you anymore.

Best None Dairy Milk Shake Alternative EVER!

Velvet Elvis Smoothie

1 FROZEN banana
Almond Butter
Almond Milk
Cinnamon
Cocoa Camino Cocoa

Put in Blender and Voila!

Current meanderings in my mind and MORE teenage boy stories.<---Beware stream of thought dialogue.<----Beware stream of thought dialogue.

So lately I've been feeling really conflicted about staying and going/throwing down roots/being a transient. I've been a transient for a good eight or so years now and I'm tired of it. I guess I'm tired of being the type of transient that has no money and time to spend with people. But I still want to travel and live in different places....but I'm tired of going through friends like they are going out of style, I want relationships that stick....relationships are hard! Yet, all of my friends are transients like me as well. I struggle with living in different countries as a teacher or if I want to stay in Toronto. I have this dream of settling in a good sized place, hosting dinner parties and setting my table with my collection of accumulated depression glass. I'm torn because I love adventure too and want to travel. Maybe when I'm able to teach and have money to spare for more than once a month splurges on eating out plus a movie I'll be able to go out more. Plus I'm tired of only having church friends! I want to meet people who aren't just church people, I'd like to join a climbing gym, take some cooking classes, take some hip-hop classes and join a book club. All these things require spare cash that I don't have.

Okay now for the good stuff. So at work (I work at a refugee shelter) we have some teenage boys from a country near Russia and MAN do they give me the come hither gaze, its a little bit intimidating. They are pretty cute and if I was a lot younger I'd be really excited, I don't think they realize how old I am. Ya, I still got it at 28.

The other night at work I was talking with a resident from Latin America who is in his early twenties and I mentioned a movie I wanted to see. Weeeellll he asked me when I wanted to see it and I said I didn't know just because I don't have a lot of time or money to do things like that. He then said that if I were to go he wouldn't mind going with me. Gah!!! I then told him I wasn't aloud to do things with residents outside of the shelter for legal reasons, phew saved by my work policies!!! Still I have to give him props, white guys in Canada don't give me the time of day.

This past Friday I went out with my new friend Jenna, we stopped in at thee most incredible music store on College St. and we were perusing their vast indie/eclectic music collection. Jenna was naming off a bunch of artists she loved, half I knew and the other half I didn't, I felt so out of the music scene loop. I exclaimed that "I was too busy to be hip" anymore. Seriously I don't have time to stay up to date with music anymore, yeh growing up:(.

Because I'm a Fakebook Narcissist

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. I don’t wear pastel colours or pigtails because they are associated with youth-fullness. I’m tired of being thought of as 7-8 years younger than what I really am. The only pastel I wear is light yellow because it matches my hair.

2. I don’t do well with groups of people over eight in number if I don’t know anyone.

3. I have three middle names; Grace, Trudy, Karen.

4. I was prom queen at my high school. They pulled my name out of a hat. When they called my name my girlfriends didn’t think I was really ‘thee prom queen’ and said that they must have called up another girl named Amy Archer. I didn’t go up.

5. One time I won Chubby Bunny. I had 15 marshmallows stuck in my cheeks.

6. I’ve been trying to look at God through the lens of androgyny for the past four years.

7. I’m competitive but I have no hand eye coordination

8. When I become an old women I want my hair to turn completely white, not gray.

9. When I was a little girl and I was about to get a spanking for being bad I would hide under my bed. Mom would try to drag me out but I would hold onto the legs of the bed.

10. I avoid awkward moments and conflict like an animal trying to bite it’s leg off from a trap.

11. Sometimes I think I love like a kid who squeezes their hamster to death.

12. I’m brutally honest, this inhibits me from saying things like “I just want you to be happy.” However I’m learning you don’t keep friends this way, sooo “I just want you to be happy?”

13. My parents and I all have birthdays on the ninth. Jan. 9th, Aug. 9th, and Aug. 29th.

14. TV, Radio, and Music personalities I have crushes on: George Strombou….., the character Jim from The Office, Jhian Ghomeshi, and Stephen Christian (Anberlin).

15. My first kiss was in kindergarten, by a boy named Jamie Anderson. He wanted me to French kiss him (I didn't). EWWWwwww.

16. Places I would like to live: Korea, Japan, NYC, Paris, San Francisco (Valley), British Colombia, Halifax.

17. I’m an ice-cream connoisseur. Top brands: B&J’s, Ed’s Ice-cream (Beaches), Slicker’s (Picton), Dairy-Queen, Giradelli Sundaes (San Fran, Down Town Disney), Soft Serve from that Place in Belleville, Kawartha Lake’s Dairy (Bancroft), some place on College that makes their own, Hollywood Gelato (Younge and Eglinton).

18. I wrote this in celebration of mid-terms ending. It was something frivolous to do.

19. When I was a pre-teen I wanted to be a dancer on Electric Circus.

20. I can tell what type of personality a person has by the type of handshake they give me. I can also tell a lot about a person by the type of hug they give me ie: the molesting hug.

21. I’m a bit of a snoop:). I have this odd curiosity of looking in people’s bathroom cupboards.

22. One day I’d like to spend a good 7 or 8 hundred dollars, and rent a hot Ferrari or some other hot car like that for a day.

23. When I was 10 or 11 I wrote Donny Walhberg of New Kids On The Block a love letter. I told him about how great I was domestically. I’ve often wondered if after they washed up they took the time to read their fan mail? I’ve imagine Donny all old and wrinkled showing up on my door-step proposing to me. CREEPY!

24. If I like a guy I will never tell him. (Yes, Mike i stole that from your sister's list).

25. It really annoys me when my mom passes me the phone to talk to a relative when I don’t feel like talking to them.

Pure Art! J'adore

New music to jam out to, the vid kind of has a Warhol factory feel to it.

Some guys just have awsome nunchuck skills.

Bruce Lee Plays Ping Pong with Nunchuks - Celebrity bloopers here

My comp has a virus

Does anyone have some spare time to work with me on this?

Dear Diary/Blog

Its been awhile since I got personal or deep on here annnd I feel the itch to do so again. My cousin Brittany gave me the book "A Complicated Kindness" by Canadian author Miriam Toews. My brief review of the book is that it seems like if you want to become a famous Canadian female writer you have to write fiction that is dark. Toews does such a good job at writing a dark book that I became depressed everytime I was in the process of reading it. Yet, I read on because Britt got it for me, and said that the reason she got it for me was because of my own faith situation.

The story is set in the seventies and the main character is part of a tight knit Manitoba mennonite community. Here is an excerpt where she expresses her displeasure with her faith community that echos with my own thoughts and feeelings.

He wanted me to define specifically what it was about the world that I wanted to experience. Smoking, drinking, writhing on a dance floor to the Rolling Stones? Not exactly, I told him, although I did think highly of Exile on Main Street. Then what? he kept asking me. Crime, drugs, promiscuity? No, I said, that wasn’t it either. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I ended up saying stupid stuff like I just want to be myself, I just want to do things without wondering if they're a sin or not. I want to be free. I want to know what it’s like to be forgiven by another human being (I was stoned, obviously) and not have to wait around all my life anxiously wondering if I’m an okay person or not and having to die to find out.
I wanted to experience goodness and humanity outside of any religious framework. I remember making finger quotations in the air when I said religious framework. God, I’m an asshole. I told him that if I heard one more person say it wasn’t up to him or her to judge, it was up to God, while, at the same time, they were judging their freakin' heads off every minute of every day (I mean basically they had judged that the entire world was evil) I would put a sawed-off .22 in my mouth and pull the trigger.

I told him I didn’t know what the big deal was about eternal life anyway. It seemed creepy to want to live forever. And that’s when he threw me out. I’m not saying he was wrong or anything, I just couldn’t ever figure out what was going on. It seemed like we were in some kind of absurd avant-garde theatre, the way our conversations sometimes went.

I've come from a tight knit faith community, and I'm frustrated with the confines of it. I want to just be normal, thats all. The background I come from is brethren, it was open but still rigid. My friend Dave, on the other hand came to the open brethren community from one that was closed. This was a community similiar to that of the Mennonite one in A.C.K.. I've heard stories about it, and how the women were treated like crap, and people either follow rigidly or rebel glamoursly. So Dave if your reading this, you may want to take a gander at "A Complicated Kindness".

Oh and PS, my roomie who is from Manitoba is from a mennonite community, and has friends who are related to the author Miriam Toews.

Romantically speaking I am finding myself attracted to someone I've tried to get over because I know that their isn't an interest on his end. When I first met him I wasn't that interested in him, he seemed too pretentious, but after talking with him.....I realized that their was more to him than meets the eye. He's intelligent, witty, and genuine. He thinks about things and he can read people really well. I like that he is empathetic, and compassionate...but I know to him I'm just a friend. Plus I think I might just like him because I like the chase just as much as any other guy does.
I swear I'm a fool. I have two guys who are interested in me, and I'm not interested back. Both very good men, but ya, not interested.

Finally Some Spiritualiyt I can believe in and relate to.

Dear God

PS I found this link care of Bryn.

Just 2 Guys

This goes out to all the loner awkward guys.

"Is this Hooters or Hieffers?"

This is one of my favourite Mad TV Skits!

Funny<--- Coralie taught me how to embed vids, hurray!!!

How do you recover from this???


Real or not real???


Definetly fake but worth the watch.

Internet Lingo Scrabble

Over the holidays I played scrabble with my mom's side of the family. I suck at scrabble!
My cousin Ryan asked if he could play if he used the word 'testicle' to win. Apparently in the past he used this word and won against my grandma and other language proficient aunts and uncles.
Half way through Ryan and I realized we were horrible at the game and that we could probably kick some scrabble ass if it was text message or internet chat lingo. Like, brb, lol, or tomo, all those abreviations that one uses to type fast or out of pure laziness.
Oh, oh, oh, guess what I just learned what <3 means. I always though that it was the math equation greater than three. For example 'that band is greater than three.' This never made sense to me and though the trend started from some math genuis, and I've been too embarrassed to ask what it does indeed mean. Apparently its and awkward sideways internet heart! Bahahhaha, I think this is hilarious! Oh, man I'm such a nut-bar!