Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Confession #2 Just for Valentines Day an Anti Climatic Story

Title: The Sequal to Christian Online Dateing
Song that should be played right now is Starlight by Muse.
Well some of you who have been following my blog for awhile may remember my post on Christian online dateing. Well this is the sequal because I met someone online. Yes I know it seems so silly and foolish. Trust me I struggled with this the whole time it was happening and I still wonder how somthing like this could happen. It started when I got a myspace account because my friend Sarah corused(sp?)/pressured me into getting one ie: you don't have an account? everyoune has one! You have a blog but you don't have a myspace account? Again I thought it was stupid and just a way to see how popular one is. I still think it is but I got sucked into it.
I'll begin by telling you how it happened as some of you know I'm a bit of a snoop. Myspace was a great place for me to snoop around on. Usually the reason I snoop is because I like to know what people like ie: perfume/cologne, food, clothes, personal hygien products, MUSIC, magazines, interest etc. I know I'm a freak but you can learn a lot about a person by finding out what they like. When I first got my profile on myspace I started searching for people I knew. I found a few and then I started looking to see if I knew anyone on their lists. One of my aquaintences(sp?) had a sibling I kinda knew so I started looking at her profile just to see what kind of friends she had. Well she had a friend who intrigude me he had been in the Navy but was now attending Art school. He was pretty good looking;) Plus he liked skate boarding (don't ask me why I like skate boarders I have had a thing for them ever since I was in grade 9) and Pride and Prejudice. What more could a girl ask for masculine yet sensitive. So I added him to my friend list, something I never do to people I do not know. I hesitated at first because I thought I was being silly I started to pray about it but then I just took the plunge and pushed the add to friends button. I didn't think that anything would happen, I thought he would just look at the friend request and think "who is this strange girl? I don't know her?" and then deny my friend request. Instead he added me and commented on my page. I wrote him a note and explained how I didn't usually add people I didn't know. I left him my blog address so that if he wanted to learn more about me he could. Well he actually read my blog and commented on it. We began corresponding and soon I was getting frustrated because I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to know what he sounded like and how he phrased things in real life. I didn't hear from him for a little bit so I timidly messaged him and asked him if he got my last question. He had and had responded with a big long explanation but somehow myspace had lost it. So then I told him I wantd to hear his voice. He responded in the affirmative that he was feeling the exact same way.
We started talking on the phone and I liked him. He seemed really genuine not someone that would try to hide something. He had an innocence about him that I liked even though in the past he had made some poor decisions. If you know me I'm pretty pro Canada! This guy was American and I'm kinda anti military/brain washing. And this guy was both of those things. Yet he seemed to not fit the sterio type I had. Oh man I can remember Dad suggesting I go to singles groups across the boarder and scoffing at him. I can also remember my friend Rob saying that he could see me with a military man and practically choking as I said I would never date someone who was in the military. Then thier is the fact that I thought it was really silly that people met online. I was contradicting a lot of the things I said I didn't want.
Soon I began to want to know more and more about who he was and phone conversations just didn't seem sufficient. I then pressed him to see if he thought we should go a step further and meet. He agreed and so we decided to try for a time when we would get a face to face meeting. We were both busy, him with school and I with work. His e/mails started to become more infrequaint and I began to doubt his interest in me. I let it slide for a little while and then finally after going on a little bit of set-up double date my friends had arranged with a guy I didn't know I realized I had fallen for the online guy. I had fallen for a guy I never met. Not completly because I still did not really know him. I didn't know his mannerism or habits.
Instead of holding onto something that wasn't real for one of us I wrote him and asked him to tell me he wasn't interested anymore. He wrote me back immediatly and gave me a reply I wasn't expecting. He said things like "I'm in a dark place right now" and "you should let me go" "I can't be what I want to be or what I should be" and oh oh oh this killed me "I find in you the very person I would want to share myself with". I didn't know how to respond because it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear, I wanted out right mean rejection! I wrote him back stating my confusion and that I had more questions than answers. I said I needed to erase him from my life and that I would never contact him again but he could do so at the right time. I said some other things but I'm not going to tell you those. So I did erase him, he is gone and yes if fucking hurt!
I'm still a little stunned at what happened? I had a thing for a stranger!?! It was like I had this ghost in my head that was this guy I liked. Like he was alive but not really present. You know when somebody close to you dies and you think you see them in a crowd well I kinda felt like that with him. I would think I would see him riding his bike by my house but it wasn't him. So wierd because I had never even seen him in person before. Such a strange scenario.
I wonder now if we were to pass each other on the street if we would turn our heads to check each other out or if we wouldn't even notice one another. I wonder if he would just end up being one of the guys I hang out with and play board games? You know just a buddy o'l pal type of guy. Or what if I got into a fender bender and the other person in the car was really him and we met that way.
What really gets me is that he read my whole blog! I had always thought it would be so romantic if someone were to fall for me just by reading my blog. Cheesy, I know!
Again I didn't really know him I didn't see his mannerism or habits. Maybe he has nasty breath or this really irritating twitch. I haven't seen how he reacts in different situations or to different people. I keep telling my friend Katie to remind me of these things so that I stay in reality.
Well so ends this time of confessions friends. I'm sure I'll have more but I just needed to confess this to you.

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