Self Talk

Words of Wisdom

1. Their will always be someone better than you. Do the best that you can because you'll be better than someone else.

2. Sale isn't another word for Buy. Don't buy it unless you need it in the future ie:soap.

3. Dance your heart out!

My female singer/song writer hero Leslie Feist


I will buy every singe one of her CDs!

A Mish Mash of Thoughts

I am trying to only blog once a week so that I can stay in reality and not just in the internet community. So I have been thinking of tons of things to blog about but restricting myself in the use of the internet. That means I can't even edit my horrendous grammatical errors! Gahhhhh, that is torture!
Last time I wrote I forgot to tell you something about my fast that I found interesting. At the beginning of my fast I felt pretty good about it but then i realized I began to get bored more easily because I wasn't spending/wasting my time on the internet or watching movies. To fill my time I found myself going out and buying little doo dads that I wanted. Nothing super expensive but I really don't have a lot of money to be spending it on stuff. It isn't my fault entirely that I like things. My parents like stuff, we are frugle but we buy small things ie: dad likes to buy mom knick knacks as gifts and mom is always buying melittle things like ugly key chains, smelly perfumes etc etc for me. When I was a little girl when ever my parents went away they would bring me something back that was some what frivolous and served no purpose except to spoil me. Some things I bought during Lent that I didn't really need but really wanted were 2 Italian scarves and curvey pilsner beer glasses. Although I didn't need them they sure are pretty!






Random Thought
I'd rather look like a fairy than a hooker. I think that those new patent leather shoes that are so trendy look like hooker shoes. Half those younge girls who wear them don't even know how to walk in them. Since when did tall and clumsy become hot? What about short and dainty? I would rather wear those hindi inspired ballerina slippers and look some what graceful.


My towns people in my little stuck in the mud home town have been complaining about one the churches in my town. This church would like to have a shelter for the local street people. They actually want to provide some sort of haven for the hopeless, something my town is not very good at. Well the nieghbors are not too happy about this since is will be bringing in some seedy characters.
What I don't get is that only a couple blocks away is a porn shop. It just opened last year and nobody except for my friend complained about it. I believe her exact words to the city council man who took her call were "Have You Ever Been Raped?!?". Oh Steph you are the greatest!!!!*
Think about it they are complaining about an organization that wants to better the town and then we have the other extreme with the porn shop! A business that encourages the degredation of humans into sex toys. Their is a reason why their is such thing as a sex addict. Boys and girls can you say the words Rapist - Pedophile. Oh small home town how you are the pain in my ass!

My friend and pastor Joe is always coming up with creative ways of advertising for our monthyly agendas. I'm not sure if this was Joe's or Nathan's idea but I think that it is pretty great! Definetly eye catching! Don't you think?




I am showing the movie Simon Birch to my Leaders in Training group and I must say it has some great one liners. Here are two one liners I really like! Tee-Hee
(As Simon and Joe get into the cold water in the Corey)
"My balls just turned into marbles" "My balls just turned into bee-bees"
"My balls just turned into marbles" " My balls just turned into raisins"

Things from the 80's I will never wear again and hope never come back in style:

1.Unitards 2.Jumpers 3.Overalls 4.Sack style dresses 5.Night Gowns 6.Yellow gold 7.Zip Up Pyjamas 8.Big ass Sunday hats 9.Jelly shoes 10.Acid wash denim 11.Skinny jeans 12.Scrunchies 13.French braids 14.Bicycle shorts 15.Joggin suits 16. Slouchy shirts with a knot on the side. 16.Plaid lumberjack shirts 17.Floral print sunday dresses 18.Vests! 19.Teased bangs in a swooping band to the side. 20.Hot pink lip-stick 21.Mustaches 22.Madonna style braziers 23.Splash paints 24.Fanny sacks 25.Hammer pants 26.Hight cut pants and skirts

Things fromt the 80's I will wear again:
1.Leg Warmers! 2.Tights 3.Polka Dots 4.Big-ass dangly earings 5.Things with modern style lace 5.Fourescent! 7.Bangles 8.Canvas deck shoes 9.Scarves 10.Pumps 11.Long knecklaces 12.Broaches 13.Fish nets 14.Leggings 15.Teal 16.Lunch pails with matching thermoses 17. Tams (french hat) 18. Angora (I hate bunnies, they stink, poop everywhere, chew anything, scratch). 19.Mauve 20. Peach


*Her house is just around the corner from it.

Back Online After Lent (Hurray for Pictures!)

So I'm back online and just like any other fast I am going to slowly get back on here.
Lets see....surprisingly a lot of things have actually happened in my life.
1. I did the March break day camp at the Y, that took a good 3 weeks out of my life.
-I accidentally called one of the kid's mom grandma....."Joey say good bye to grandma" Ooops!
2. My grandma's husband died.
-As selfish as this sounds I feel like I have my grandma back after seven years. Her husband was not abusive just very egalitarian and ordered her around a lot. He liked his routine! My granny is very independant and to see her reduced to a servant angered me.
3. I went away on retreat to a convent in the Tdot.
-I met a man.....he was 95! Too cute! It was a beautiful day on the tuesday afternoon I sat down to pray on a bench and soon I see a figure in the distance slowly chugging my way. Well eventually that figure approached me on the bench and asked me for a seat. I was kind of ticked by the interuption but gently reminded myself that this could be an encounter arranged by God. His ailment..... loneliness. His name is Oscar and his wife died 8 months ago.

The path next door at the mental health ward

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My room at the convent
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I was playinging with the affects on the camera


I walked in the labrynth




Spring has come!

A candid shot, it wasn't intentional...



4. I got sick for 2 weeks :(
-I haven't been sick for that long since I was a kid!
5. I wrote a long much needed letter to a few old friends who have mentored me.
Okay now that I have written down those things they don't look that big but honestly those things took up some huge chunks of time.

Thoughts I have been swirling around in my head??? One of the traits I despise about people are people who pretend to be something they are not. I can't stand people who are fake. And I have been thinking about how unreliable my own emotions are. They kind of phib to me. I don't trust my feelings anymore. My dad taught me to quetion things all the time and to not just take peoples word as truth. I think he didn't want me to buy into everything some dynamic personality could sell me. Well now I am questioning myself, my feelings change at a whim! Especially when it is the full moon!



I can't trust myself, I wonder sometimes why I find some things funny? I'll ask myself what about that do I find so funny? Is it because that person is poking fun at another? Is it because I am making fun of someone or trying to make myself feel more important than that person? Anyway I think emotions are unreliable and hate that I'm a closet emotional person. I would like to conceal my feelings so that not everyone can tell what I'm feeling by the expression on my face. Like when i cry in a movie or when I blush because I feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. My friend Jen use to go so red and I would make fun of her all the time. Then when I got into my 20s I developed the same annoying tendencie (shakes fist at God) Thanks for the Karma God! My Emotions lie to me all the time!

Off-Line (todays font colouring is pastel!)

Sorry folks I'm going off-line in order to help rid myself of this internet adiction. I'm doing it for Lent. For now you guys can look at my friend's blogs. They have some cool thoughts. Especially Ronelle!
But......before I sign off, here are some random thoughts I had this week.

How do atsronauts navigate in space? It would really suck if they ever got lost! Satelites don't travel far enough to track people in space! That is the short and long of that thought.

In my search to not be too Christiany I think I have fallen away from some of the good things I use to practice in my spiritual walk with God. In replacement of my intimacy I find it has become filled with anger.

I have recieved a revelation to my recurring out of wed-lock pregnancy dream. Lisa and I were discussing it together and we think that it has something to do with my tendancy to want to please others and do the right thing. I never want to make the wrong decisions because I don't want to screw up my life. Right now I'm in a place where my choices are going to affect my life in the long term.
I want to find my passion and I can't find it! How do people know what they want to do with their life? How can some people be so sure about things? I'm not sure about anything anymore. I'm not confident about any particual thing. In fact I have more questions than answers. I find myself fearful and that fear has turned itself into apathy. I feel like I'm stuck in a muddy lane way getting ready to merge onto a road and I just keep on spinning my tires rolling forward and then slidding back into the place I just came from. The road is right in front of me and yet I can't get at it! Very frustrating!
Now to figure out the meaning to the dream where my intentions to maime(sp?) someone turn sour when they end up dying instead. Ooops!?!

Confession #2 Just for Valentines Day an Anti Climatic Story

Title: The Sequal to Christian Online Dateing
Song that should be played right now is Starlight by Muse.
Well some of you who have been following my blog for awhile may remember my post on Christian online dateing. Well this is the sequal because I met someone online. Yes I know it seems so silly and foolish. Trust me I struggled with this the whole time it was happening and I still wonder how somthing like this could happen. It started when I got a myspace account because my friend Sarah corused(sp?)/pressured me into getting one ie: you don't have an account? everyoune has one! You have a blog but you don't have a myspace account? Again I thought it was stupid and just a way to see how popular one is. I still think it is but I got sucked into it.
I'll begin by telling you how it happened as some of you know I'm a bit of a snoop. Myspace was a great place for me to snoop around on. Usually the reason I snoop is because I like to know what people like ie: perfume/cologne, food, clothes, personal hygien products, MUSIC, magazines, interest etc. I know I'm a freak but you can learn a lot about a person by finding out what they like. When I first got my profile on myspace I started searching for people I knew. I found a few and then I started looking to see if I knew anyone on their lists. One of my aquaintences(sp?) had a sibling I kinda knew so I started looking at her profile just to see what kind of friends she had. Well she had a friend who intrigude me he had been in the Navy but was now attending Art school. He was pretty good looking;) Plus he liked skate boarding (don't ask me why I like skate boarders I have had a thing for them ever since I was in grade 9) and Pride and Prejudice. What more could a girl ask for masculine yet sensitive. So I added him to my friend list, something I never do to people I do not know. I hesitated at first because I thought I was being silly I started to pray about it but then I just took the plunge and pushed the add to friends button. I didn't think that anything would happen, I thought he would just look at the friend request and think "who is this strange girl? I don't know her?" and then deny my friend request. Instead he added me and commented on my page. I wrote him a note and explained how I didn't usually add people I didn't know. I left him my blog address so that if he wanted to learn more about me he could. Well he actually read my blog and commented on it. We began corresponding and soon I was getting frustrated because I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to know what he sounded like and how he phrased things in real life. I didn't hear from him for a little bit so I timidly messaged him and asked him if he got my last question. He had and had responded with a big long explanation but somehow myspace had lost it. So then I told him I wantd to hear his voice. He responded in the affirmative that he was feeling the exact same way.
We started talking on the phone and I liked him. He seemed really genuine not someone that would try to hide something. He had an innocence about him that I liked even though in the past he had made some poor decisions. If you know me I'm pretty pro Canada! This guy was American and I'm kinda anti military/brain washing. And this guy was both of those things. Yet he seemed to not fit the sterio type I had. Oh man I can remember Dad suggesting I go to singles groups across the boarder and scoffing at him. I can also remember my friend Rob saying that he could see me with a military man and practically choking as I said I would never date someone who was in the military. Then thier is the fact that I thought it was really silly that people met online. I was contradicting a lot of the things I said I didn't want.
Soon I began to want to know more and more about who he was and phone conversations just didn't seem sufficient. I then pressed him to see if he thought we should go a step further and meet. He agreed and so we decided to try for a time when we would get a face to face meeting. We were both busy, him with school and I with work. His e/mails started to become more infrequaint and I began to doubt his interest in me. I let it slide for a little while and then finally after going on a little bit of set-up double date my friends had arranged with a guy I didn't know I realized I had fallen for the online guy. I had fallen for a guy I never met. Not completly because I still did not really know him. I didn't know his mannerism or habits.
Instead of holding onto something that wasn't real for one of us I wrote him and asked him to tell me he wasn't interested anymore. He wrote me back immediatly and gave me a reply I wasn't expecting. He said things like "I'm in a dark place right now" and "you should let me go" "I can't be what I want to be or what I should be" and oh oh oh this killed me "I find in you the very person I would want to share myself with". I didn't know how to respond because it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear, I wanted out right mean rejection! I wrote him back stating my confusion and that I had more questions than answers. I said I needed to erase him from my life and that I would never contact him again but he could do so at the right time. I said some other things but I'm not going to tell you those. So I did erase him, he is gone and yes if fucking hurt!
I'm still a little stunned at what happened? I had a thing for a stranger!?! It was like I had this ghost in my head that was this guy I liked. Like he was alive but not really present. You know when somebody close to you dies and you think you see them in a crowd well I kinda felt like that with him. I would think I would see him riding his bike by my house but it wasn't him. So wierd because I had never even seen him in person before. Such a strange scenario.
I wonder now if we were to pass each other on the street if we would turn our heads to check each other out or if we wouldn't even notice one another. I wonder if he would just end up being one of the guys I hang out with and play board games? You know just a buddy o'l pal type of guy. Or what if I got into a fender bender and the other person in the car was really him and we met that way.
What really gets me is that he read my whole blog! I had always thought it would be so romantic if someone were to fall for me just by reading my blog. Cheesy, I know!
Again I didn't really know him I didn't see his mannerism or habits. Maybe he has nasty breath or this really irritating twitch. I haven't seen how he reacts in different situations or to different people. I keep telling my friend Katie to remind me of these things so that I stay in reality.
Well so ends this time of confessions friends. I'm sure I'll have more but I just needed to confess this to you.

Inside my head (scary!)

When people die do they go to heaven right away? But doesn't God exist outside of time? And if this is true does that mean the world has already ended? People's souls have to go somewhere right? Unless their is a purgatory/waiting area but I kinda think that earth is purgatory. Maybe I have this all wrong and didn't grasp it too well when I took my philosophy class. These were just some of my thoughts today while I was washing the dishes. My brain hurts.

Mens Speedos and Womens G-string bikinis
Guys if you aren't a competa(i?)tive swimming at the time do not wear speedos! They make swim trunks baggy for a reason that way you don't have to worry about.....stuff getting more attention than it should at the wrong time.
Ladies lets keep our body some what of a mystery! Yes bathing suits tend to reveal everything, but lets be honest men would rather have a mystery than an ending being blurtted out. Leave something to the imagination. Lets skip the brazillian bottoms and g-strings and try something more tasteful.

Well those are my thoughts for today.

Confession #1 (a secret revealed)

Title: Why I Started Blogging

I started blogging because of a guy. Two years ago....no three years ago....or so....I met a guy who's aura I was instantly attracted to. Cockiness (or confidence) that dripped off of him, death grip of a hand shake, extremly engaging & personable, arty, comical, skate boarder, former rebel and compassionate youth worker. He was perfect in my eyes.
At first when i thought about writting this blog I wanted to make him anonymous but I don't think I will. His name is Carlo, I was going to call him Mossimo (giggle) but what ever. I met Carlo twice briefly before I was able to actually engage with him. The first time we met was at a camp I use to go to as a teenager, he was the speaker and I came up for a visit. I wasn't too impressed with him at first because I thought he was overly confident and liked to wear costumes for the theme night that revealed his nice physique. His presence quickly captivated me and I asked around about him. I got an introduction but never really had a chance to chit chat.
Then in the Fall I found out he would be at a youth workers conference I was to attend so I made sure that I was able to get an introduction. Shy as I am I did briefly get introduced but again not anything else. He didn't even remember me! I prayed and asked God for more of an opportunity but got more than I bargained when a prank I played involveing coffee and salt ended up being given to him. Oops:)

I then cooked up a plan to go back to my old stompin grounds and be a camp counselor for a week to finally get a good meeting. I missed being at camp so I wanted to go back anyway. I discussed my plan with a married guy friend and he gave me the go ahead. I pursued it but soon learned that Carlo was not going to be up that week. I took it as a sign and decided to go to camp anyway.
During that time I had started volunteering at a youth drop-in centre that was newly started. I decided to call my friend up North to get some advice from him because he has been running a drop-in centre for a few years. He referred me to his co-director......Carlo. So I called Carlo. I was sooo nervous! But I did it! And we talked for two hours! During that time we only spoke about ministry stuff for half an hour. I had never connected with anyone like that in my life! He was everything I though he would be. We ended the phone call with a positive note. He said he wanted to talk to me again so I said that next time he could call me.
Five days later he called again and we had a great conversation. I called him a few days after that and another good dialogue happened. During the course of our conversations he figured out I knew him and I clued him in about our meetings but still no recognition! We e-mailed a bit, he wanted to know what I looked like but I would only send him old photos because at the time I was struggling with some hard core adult acne. I was really struggling with sending him a recent picture. During our conversations we would tell each other stories and talk about different analgies God had been teaching us. One time I told Carlo a story about a hard day at work and he said "you should write a blog" and I responded with "a blog? who would read my blog?". I didn't start one because I thought that blogs were silly. It was also during one of our conversations that he hinted at coming up for a visit to camp.
Well he did. One morning God told me he would be thier that day. I just knew it in my knower. After lunch I saw him from a ways back but he didn't see him. I wanted to see if he would notice me as well. He is one of those flambouyant personalities and I wanted him to come to me. Well..... eventually he did we talked briefly and the whole time I was really self concious about the acne and whether I had salad in my teeth. It was late in the day and he had to leave abruptly to go to court. I asked him to come visit again, he promised to try but said that if he couldn't I should give him a call. He never came and when i called him after camp our phone conversation was not quite as animated as it had been. I tried sending him a couple e/mails but to no avail. In October 05 I started a blog and sent out a forward to everyone on my e/m list (including Carlo) with a link to the blog. I began writing in my blog as if I was writing to him but never mentioning him. Eventually I realized he probably never read the blog and started blogging just for the fun of it.
The End